Thanks to ilexcassine I've discovered listography. Ack! If I wasn't obsessed with making lists already...

My homepage at LJ says I haven't updated in 19 weeks! Yikes.

Let's begin. The living room project Husband and I started in February is finally complete. We've been living in the room, enjoying our built-in bookcases and new, overlarge television on the REAL LIVE SOFA NOT FUTON. It's a very comfortable room, and I quite like being able to see all the titles in our library of books...so many I need to read! I'm even thinking about putting up holiday decorations. Color me shocked.

I attempted NaNoWriMo in November using the novel idea I posted about in the last entry (19 weeks ago, apparently). I stalled out, but I did log 14,000+ words. I'm not calling it a failure. I still have a nice outline for the first period episode, which is set in Victorian England. I know I will continue writing on this project. I'm still excited about it, and pleased with the work thus far.

Ah, the holidays. I can't complain about my job with regard to holiday stress, and in some ways this is still novel/foreign to me. Stress, however, can still locate me during the holidays through the arteries of my family. YAY! Some day, I'm going to go far, far away for the winter holidays, just Husband and I...somewhere without a cell signal or Internet connection or real telephones. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I've actully been spending more time in Hillsborough with friends. ilexcassine and serendipitree recently moved to town, and combined with elvardia and her husband and another couple, there's lots of fun stuff going on IN TOWN. No need to drive into Chapel Hill (which I hate in all seasons but summer, when school's out, and when a girl can get a service at the bar without having to display clevage), or Durham (where I work now, and am pretty much over by the end of the day), except for the occasional dinner invitation or party. I like that quite a lot.

I'm getting other crafty things done, items from a long list reflected on one of my lists at listography. Trying to get the jump on some of my resolutions for 2010, having ordered sports bras in my size (hard to find!), and dig out my dvd's and tapes that got put in storage while we were working on the living room project. I have some BIG things planned for 2010 with regards to myself and my well-being. It's time, past time!

Hope you all have a great holiday, if I don't see you IRL.

Thanks to suedetjazz , spacechicken , and bobtshirt  for all their help this weekend with our living room demo project. We finished in a little under two hours thanks to your eager hammer-wielding. Thanks also to sarendipatree  who did a little dive by "holla!"

Official band dissolution e-mail, for those of you not on the list (apologies for the redundancy those of you who are).  This was composed by cheevyjames  for your first person POV reference...

borea

cheevyjames

  or Matt B.  Some of you may know all three of us.  Some of you might still think this is spam.

The decision to end the band didn't come lightly, but it's the right decision and we're happy that we can put the band to rest and move on to other things.  This end has nothing to do with the usual "creative differences" stuff and no one is leaving to "go solo".  This past September borea came to the decision that she no longer wanted to be a professional musician.  Perhaps as a hobby, sure, but she no longer had the desire to be rock star and tour the world and give Tori Amos foot baths.  We discussed her realization and she agreed to continue on with the band for the foreseeable future, hoping that it was only temporary and she would come to love playing music again.  In November we recruited Matt B. to handle the drum duties for the band (we had been looking for a year) and played our first and only gig with Matt at The Cave in Chapel Hill.  I had a good time at the show and even with the trainwrecks I thought we did a good job.  Forborea , it was a completely disconnected performance where she felt she wasn't even present.  The week after the show she informed Matt and I that she wanted to take an indefinite and serious break from the band with the intent of hopefully coming back.  Matt and I continued to work on new material and eventually started playing with a guitarist, Matt F, while I moved back to bass.

After months of serious consideration about her place in the band, and music,borea  finally decided to leave the group once and for all.  As she wrote to me, " ...My active involvement with the band is at an end.  This needs to happen for a couple of reasons. 1. It's dragging on, and that is because of me thinking I'm going to find some magic bullet that will inspire me to be musical again. I can't put a timeline on something like that.  2. The lack of that timeline is holding you and Matt to something, holding you back from other things." borea  and I met for beers a few days later and decided that the end of Protean Mean was something we both agreed with.  For my part, I cannot imagine doing PM without borea and it wouldn't be right at all to continue on with the name and not have her singing the songs.  The band began as a partnership with borea and me, so if one of us isn't there anymore, it's not Protean Mean.  Beech is also in agreement with this idea.

So...the band ends, there are no hard feelings, we're still friends and I'll always considerborea  to be my sister.  We made some great music together and I'm really proud of the songs we wrote and performed together.  The band existed officially for 3 years and 5 days and I had a great time doing it.  What's next?  I have joined forces with the Matts (B and F) and we've already started our new venture (only 1 official rehearsal, so there's no name yet).  We'll probably do a few of the PM tunes, but in different arrangements.  Keep informed of future developments for the new band by checking in at my website, cheevyjames.com.  For those of you who areborea 's friends, she'll also keep you updated on her future artistic projects.

I would like to give some thank-yous at this point -

first to borea , for being a great friend and musical partner.

to Matt for having boundless enthusiasm for the band

thank you to our spouses for the endless support

thank you to Josh S. for playing the drum tracks on our demo from early last year.  He did a magnificent job and brought out things I didn't know were possible in the music.

thank you to all who came out to see us play.  We really appreciated it, every time.

Extra Special Thank You to Bryan Y.  Besides our spouses, Bryan came to more shows than anyone.  He made it out to just about every one.  A dedicated fan and great friend, thank you.

This email was approved by borea  and she wanted to include the following thanks:

"Thanks to you and to Matt for being patient and for understanding my need for time away to make the decision. I'm looking forward to being a fan of your new venture."

Our myspace site (myspace.com/proteanmean) will continue to exist, at least until myspace goes bankrupt.  The 2008 demo will continue to live there in listening form.  If you'd like to download the songs (they're free!) head to http://cheevyjames.com/music/protean-mean-curiosities.  Proteanmean.com will soon redirect you to the myspace site.  Do some searching, there will continue to be live videos from us on youtube.

I think that's it.  Thank you for listening.

On behalf of Protean Mean,

cheevyjames

Things are changing.  I'm making the changes I need to make in order to transform into my better self.  These are a long time coming, in many cases, and all of them have been thought out, weighed, considered in consequence.

This week I began it, the peeling of an onion.  On Monday, I met with cheevyjames  to make official the dissolution of Protean Mean.  There are many reasons for this, the foremost being that I am in no healthy place to perform music.  (To fully understand this, one must also understand how/why I perform, which I will discuss on a future entry on my spiritual music LJ ranarop .)  Late last year, after our last performance at The Cave, I decided to take an hiatus from the band.  Depression had been gnawing away at my desire to create, my motivation to practice, and my ability to really care about anything at all for a long time, and I hoped to puzzle things out within a few months time and eventually return to the band.  In the meantime, cheevyjames  and Matt, our recently installed third member, would work on new material and practice what already existed.  In those months, I have not once picked up my guitar or even looked at my music, nor have I really thought at all about the band in the sense of "my band."  When James sent an e-mail, I thought about these things, and knew that it was time for me to completely remove myself from the picture so these guys could get to work.  I realized that I cannot put a time line to the personal work I'm trying to do, and that was unfair to everyone involved.  A true break, without lingering threads was in order. 

James was sad for the loss, sad that Protean Mean will no longer exist, but I also felt his relief in the sense that he could move on,  play live music like he is meant to do.  He's inspired to do this, and it seemed wrong to me that he wasn't, especially when it was he was waiting for me.  What a terrible loss of time.  But, I am excited for him and however the new project manifests.  I'm excited at the prospect of being a fan of my brother's band.

On Tuesday, I met with Joyce, a representative from Duke's Live for Life program.  I had taken a health screening back in September and shared that I was interested in weight management as an option for getting my health on track.  Some months later, in January, someone from the team contacted me to see if I was still interested and I was put in a program called Pathways to Change. Essentially, this is a program that will provide me with the tools I need to start losing weight, and give me goals and deadlines that are discussed monthly with my program leader, Joyce.  I need to know someone objective is monitoring my progress, kicking my ass when needed, someone who will see my habits and suggest healthy changes.  Husbands are easy to blow off, or persuade.  Joyce will not be so.

Tuesday's meeting consisted of about an hour of talking about my current eating habits, what I eat in a typical day, where I think I might have bad habits, my activity levels, stress levels, etc.  This culminated in getting on a scale and being measured at waist, hip and thigh.  These numbers were worse than I thought, and I was shocked to know that in the last year alone I've put on 30 lbs.  We spoke briefly about my goal weight and I realize that I will have to lose just over 70 lbs. to get there.  That's a lot of work in my future.  And some of you may be thinking that wanting to lose 70 lbs. must mean that I want to be skinny, but that is not the case.  Losing that much weight will put me at a very healthy weight for my age and height, not skinny, still curvy.  Just healthy.

The program requires a fitness test, or physical stress test.  Luckily, I've done this before and know what to expect (some time ago, when I thought I was having heart palpitations after strenuous exercise, though that turned out not to be the case).  I am a bit anxious as now I weigh a good 50 lbs more than I did at the time of my last stress test, and wonder if my knees will give out before I actually get tired enough to make them stop the treadmill.  We'll see, as that appointment has yet to be scheduled.  The stress test will indicate what my target heart rate should be during exercise for optimal calorie burn, etc.  The fitness technician will likely speak with me about what exercise I enjoy/prefer and how to work that into my goal set. 

Which all leads in to Monday 02 March, my first consultation with a therapist, a psychologist, a head-shrink.  This step is the biggest step of all, considering the length of my depression and the depths it reached in 2007-2008.  2009 so far has shown a marginal amount of the depression from previous years, but I would still like to do something about it so that if the bottom falls out again, I will have some tools available to either stave it off or avoid getting depressed altogether.  Just because I'm not feeling in the dumps at this very moment doesn't mean everything is all right.  The issues that cause my stress, anxiety and depression have not gone away, they're merely being quiet.  My goal this year is total health, including my mental health.  I need to address the issues that undermine my success, my happiness, my continued life...yeah. 

I'm anxious and unsure what to expect.  I don't really know what someone listening to me list my grievances will do to help, and perhaps that is why I've resisted it for so long.  That, and not liking to ask for help with something that I should be able to manage, something that should not be at all overwhelming.  But it is.  Depression has sapped away my life, my joy, my vitality, my hobbies, my love life, my self-esteem, my creativity, my motivation, and, in the long run, my health.  I'm an emotional eater and being depressed for the last two years has not helped my waistline (or my heart, knees, back, etc.).  I just want to be comfortable in my skin and, well, happy. 

So, that's my plate, and what's on it, and why I've been a bit quiet for some weeks.  Of course, there's more, but this is long enough for now, and a pretty decent update.
</lj></lj></lj>

Until one is committed there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation.
There is one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans;
That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issue from the decision,
raising one’s favor, all manner of unforeseen incidents, and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Begin it now.

--Goethe

Free Will Astrology for the week of 01 January 2009

I've got three quotes for you. I hope you'll write them out and keep them in a prominent place for the duration of 2009. They'll set the right tone for everything you do. The first is from psychologist Abraham Maslow: "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be." The second quote comes from choreographer Agnes DeMille: "Dance in the body you have." The third is from historian Gerald Sorin: "When Reb Zusye went to heaven, God didn't ask him why, in his life on earth, Zusye wasn't Moses, but why he wasn't even Zusye."

My version of 2008


( End of Year Meme )

Some meme's:


What would you be if you were...( Read more... )



Other...( Read more... )